initiating safer sex in sobriety: A Journey of consent to Safety and Pleasure
Introduction
Alright, let's dive into the world of consent in sober sex and initiating safer sex, 'cause this stuff is crucial. We're talking about creating a safe and respectful sexual environment where everyone is on board and enthusiastically giving their consent. In this raw and honest blog post, I'll discuss what consent really means and how the hell to get it. So buckle up, folks, 'cause we're about to break it down and keep it real.
I don’t know about you but I had only heard about consent and I didn’t realise that I needed to find my own consent before being able to give it to anyone else. Through my years of active addiction and even the first 5 years of sobriety I had no idea what consent truly meant and most importantly how it felt!!! I’d never experienced my true consent because my body was so numb, the classic “lay back and think of England [or insert any other country}” comes to mind…I don’t know how often I used that expression and it is incredibly insightful to me now to understand that my consent was non existent, even for myself.
Feeling Consent in Your Body
It might sound like hooey fooey, but feeling consent in your body is the most precious thing you can start to do for yourself. It’s all about being in tune with yourself during those intimate moments and beyond and being in touch with the sensations and bodily responses. It's about paying attention to how your body feels and using those signals to make choices. Yes….you have a choice!! You gotta know your comfort levels, desires, and boundaries like the back of your hand. That self-awareness is the key to getting consent right and being able to communicate what you like, what you don’t like and what you might like. There’s a difference between consent and a trauma response and I think there is a really fine line here that can definitely be safely worked through.
2. Sobriety and Breaking Free from Numbness
Let's talk about getting sober and shaking off that numbness 'cause it's a complete game changer, my friends. When substances are in the picture, your judgment gets all wonky, and clear communication becomes a challenge. It's like your sensitivity to what's happening physically and emotionally takes a nosedive. But when you're sober, you're present, awake, and fully in sync with yourself and your partner(s). It provides a foundation for a deeper connection, authentic communication, and mutual understanding.
3. Ongoing Conversations and Active Consent
Sober sex is all about keeping the consent convo alive throughout the whole experience. You’ve got to have those real and transparent talks. Be open, be honest, and let each other know what you're cool with, what you want, and if anything changes, talk about changes in comfort levels, desires and honest discussion about boundaries. Consent isn’t a one-time deal; it's an ongoing process that demands respect from everyone involved and this leads to more mutually enjoyable and satisfying encounters. If you’re up for one thing one time you might not be up for it another time, ensure you do not push yourself into something to please anyone else because this can cause further numbness in the body.
Whether you’ve been married for years or you’ve just started dating this is such an important activity!! You can create a list of things you’d like to do and then have a chat with your partner. You both create a list on your own or at the same time over a cup of tea, you can then share this list with each other.
Or if it makes it easier you can contact me here if you’d like a free “Yes/No/Maybe” activity sheet!! This is a whole list of activities that you can tick or cross and then share with each other what you are interested in. I do want to add this doesn’t necessarily mean that the activity will be consented with, however it will help with the consent process because even if you say “YES” to something on the list when it comes to it if your body says “NO” then please do not push through, it’s so important to state that just because you say yes on a list you may feel differently in the activity…remember you have a choice AND you can change your mind at any time . The activity sheet is purely to help with open discussion and to get the ball rolling on talking to your partner(s) about consent, boundaries and desires.
4. Healthier, Happier Experiences
When enthusiastic and ongoing consent takes the spotlight, you're in for some mind-blowing and satisfying experiences, my friends. It's all about actively listening, respecting boundaries, and ensuring everyone's having an incredible time. And you know what? Sobriety reduces the chances of getting into non-consensual or regrettable situations because your judgment isn't all messed up.
When consent is at the forefront, the focus shifts to active communication, mutual respect, and the celebration of individual boundaries and desires. This creates an atmosphere where everyone can fully explore their sexuality in a consensual and fulfilling way.
Conclusion
In a nutshell, feeling consent in your body is the holy grail of sober sex. When you're sober and fully present, you can tune into your own sensations, communicate boundaries like a pro, and be an active participant in those ongoing consent conversations. That's how we create a sexual environment that's safe, respectful, and freakin' awesome for everyone involved.
So there you have it, my take on consent in sober sex. I believe in being real and transparent. It really matters when people don't respect consent. It's so frustrating, but I'm here to share my struggles and and experiences 'cause that's part of my journey.
Create a beautiful space, make the conversation meaningful, joyful and open!! Let's keep it honest, keep it safe, and keep consent at the forefront of our sexual experiences.
