When Your Toxic Past Contacts You: How to Respond and Protect Your Peace

Receiving a life-changing diagnosis is already one of the most challenging things a person can face. For me, being diagnosed with cancer brought a whirlwind of emotions—grief, fear, hope, and determination. But amidst this vulnerable time, I’ve also had to face an unexpected and deeply upsetting challenge: individuals who were key perpetrators in my past abuse reached out to me.

These were people who had gaslighted, manipulated, and harmed me in profound ways, and now they were offering their "support" in my time of need. The anger and confusion that followed were overwhelming. How could I process their messages while already navigating the complexities of my diagnosis and treatment?

If you’ve been through something similar, I want you to know you’re not alone. Here’s what I’ve learned about how to handle contact from a toxic past, especially when you’re already carrying so much.

1. Acknowledge the Weight of It All

When someone who caused you harm reaches out, it’s a lot to handle on its own. When it happens during a vulnerable time—like dealing with a diagnosis—it can feel like an unbearable emotional burden.

It’s okay to feel angry, hurt, or even conflicted. You don’t have to suppress those feelings or minimise the impact of what’s happening. Give yourself permission to say, This is too much, and I deserve to protect my energy.

2. Question Their Intentions (But Don’t Dwell on Them)

I found myself asking: Why now? Were they genuinely sorry? Were they trying to absolve their guilt? Or were they testing to see if I’d let them back into my life?

While it’s natural to wonder about their motives, what matters most is how their message makes you feel. If it feels invasive, unwelcome, or manipulative, trust your instincts. You’re under no obligation to respond—your well-being is what’s most important.

3. Decide What’s Best for You

In the moments after receiving those messages, I asked myself a key question: What do I need right now to protect my peace?

This might mean:

• Choosing not to respond and letting silence speak for itself.

• Setting a clear boundary in a brief reply.

• Expressing your awareness of their actions in a way that closes the door on further interaction.

For example, one response I’ve considered is:
"I’m aware of the harm you caused, and I have no desire to re-establish contact. Please respect my boundaries."

Remember, you’re in control. You don’t owe anyone access to your emotions, your story, or your healing process.

4. Recognise Your Growth

One thing that has helped me find strength is remembering how far I’ve come since those toxic relationships. Cancer is reshaping my life in many ways, and while it’s been unimaginably hard, it’s also illuminated how resilient I am.

The fact that I can pause, reflect, and choose how to respond—rather than being reactive or overwhelmed—is proof of my growth. You’ve likely grown, too. Let this be a moment to recognise your strength and how much power you now hold over your life.

5. Take Care of Yourself

After receiving those messages, I realised how much they stirred up emotions I thought I’d moved past. This reminded me of something crucial: healing isn’t linear, and self-care is non-negotiable.

Here are a few ways I’ve managed these emotions:

• Journaling my thoughts to get them out of my head.

• Talking to a trusted friend or therapist who understands my journey.

• Reconnecting with activities that bring me joy, like working on my creative projects or diving into personal development.

These small acts of care have helped me stay grounded, even when the past tries to pull me back.

6. Your Response Is Your Power

Whether you respond to these people or not, remember this: the power is in your hands now. Choosing to protect yourself, to maintain boundaries, and to prioritise your healing is the ultimate form of reclaiming your life.

For me, choosing how to handle these contacts has been a reminder of just how far I’ve come—not just in surviving the abuse but in thriving despite it. You are no longer the person they tried to manipulate. You’ve grown, healed, and rebuilt.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve faced contact from someone tied to a toxic past, especially during a vulnerable time, I hope this reminds you that you have every right to protect your peace. You are under no obligation to engage with someone who hurt you, no matter how much time has passed or what their message says.

Your story, your healing, and your boundaries are yours to define. Trust yourself to make the choice that feels right for you.

Have you been through something similar? I’d love to hear your thoughts — your story could help someone else navigate theirs.

If you would like help and guidance to move forward from toxic relationships contact me below